What does “coming home” feel like?
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you read this? What does the word “home” mean to you? How does the thought of coming home to yourself make you feel?
Given the anxiety that most of us are still feeling given the state of the world (we just entered lock-down round 3 here in Germany), we need to find ways to share and express how we can find a home – within.
In case you didn’t know, here’s a little recap of my story:
In 2010, I almost lost my life to a severe eating disorder. 2015, I almost lost my life (again).
2017, I almost lost my life (for the 3rd time).
2020, a global pandemic scared the hell out of me.. and I not only survived, I am in the process of be(com)ing more and more myself. And I am still in the middle of the mess of it.
Connection hasn’t always come easy for me
In fact it’s still a daily practice. I spent years disconnected & disassociated. Auto pilot to be best described.
It was a coping mechanism for the unpredictability I faced growing up with my dad who was mentally unwell & when he sadly took his own life when I was 17, I found myself numb.
I felt what my brain told me to feel, not what I was internally feeling, what my heart was feeling- as a way to cope.
My life became a series of keeping up an appearance, a multitude of masks, trying to fit in to where ever I needed to go but never truly listening to what I needed or wanted.
And so with this mindset, I landed in situations, relationships, jobs, behaviours that weren’t truly me- just a ‘me’ I thought I needed to be.
Always wondering why I felt so lost and unhappy.
I felt internally homeless
Between then and now I’ve been on a journey of healing, re-building, re-living & re-nurturing a wholeeee lot of conditionings and habits that didn’t serve me.
Healing to build an authentic connection, to listen to my intuition and build a sense of confidence in knowing who I am.
This has happened through showing up for myself daily, weekly, monthly in practice of movement, stillness, silence & reflection.
Ultimately making a choice to show up in this way so I can remain intentional & authentic, so I can continue to be led by my truth into a life that I truly want to live.
The first step towards home
I went back and embraced her today – the little girl who is me. I encouraged her to get up one more time, to drop her mask – and pick up her beauty. No longer afraid of the darkness, she started walking toward her light. Re-united in my home within, we are embracing our wholeness.
She didn’t just come here to survive,
She came here to be(come).
What comes next?
I am empowered by who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming! In those moments of truly coming home to myself, I stepped into the unknown, and I knew that I would be alright. And so too will you, my dear. Don’t be afraid of your darkness. Embrace it. Let it crack you open. Share with me your brokenness. And I’ll share with you my wholeness.
It’s time to heal and let yourself be held. It’s time to be who you came here to be. Knowing what wholeness truly feels like and being able to choose it, to stay connected to it even in times of great discomfort, has been one of my greatest discoveries this year. One of my sweetest homecomings. I wish this for you too.
You are stronger than you think
We are all so much more resilient than we think we are. So much more flexible. So much more adaptable.
Ps: In no way am I perfect – just passionate about encouraging myself & others to be a little more compassionate, appreciative & conscious every day. I am – and have always been – here to guide you in reclaiming the life you were meant to have. I am here to show you how to graciously navigate your inward journey. And mostly, I am here to remind you of who you truly are. Whole. Enough. Complete. 🧡
With love,
Nila
